Hilarious Pregnancy Quotes: Relatable and Funny Quotes for Moms-to-Be

Pregnancy is a unique journey filled with its own set of hilarious moments and relatable struggles. Here’s a collection of funny pregnancy quotes that capture the essence of this extraordinary experience:

A young pregnant woman with hearts on her tummy.

Funny Quotes About Pregnancy

“People always say that pregnant women have a glow. And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death.” – Jessica Simpson
“Sneezing for a pregnant chick is like playing Russian roulette; you never know when something’s gonna come out.” – Unknown
“Baby brain is real. I should not be allowed to operate heavy equipment, including iPhones.” – Olivia Wilde
“My everyday meals include breakfast, brunch, lunch, pre-dinner, dinner, pre-dessert, dessert, dessert #2, and a post-dinner snack.” – Unknown
“I am not Buddha. Rubbing my pregnant belly will not bring you good luck, prosperity, or wealth.” – Unknown
“The only productive part of me today has been my bladder.” – Unknown
“Being pregnant is an occupational hazard of being a wife.” – Queen Victoria
“Pregnancy: A condition that makes you pee when you laugh and puke when you cough.” – Unknown
“It’s a great thing about being pregnant – you don’t need excuses to pee or to eat.” – Angelina Jolie
“When I found out I was pregnant, I was overcome with pure happiness. No periods for nine months, and that’s a reason to celebrate.” – Unknown
“Pregnancy. It’s just like a constant hangover.” – Ellie Kemper
“Yes, I’m positive there’s just one baby in there. Can I throat punch you now?” – Unknown
“I know my baby is going to be an overachiever. I reached my healthy pregnancy weight gain limit in the first trimester.” – Unknown
“To pee or not to pee. That is never the question. Pee.” – Unknown
“I had this thing for Entenmann’s chocolate donuts. Somewhere during my pregnancy, I gained something like nine pounds in two weeks and my doctor was like, ‘You know what it might be? Are you drinking a lot of juice?’ I was like, ‘Yeah. That must be it.’ I was eating like a box a day of Entenmann’s donuts.” – Tina Fey
“Don’t ask me why I am crying because I don’t know.” – Unknown
“My baby’s body fat is 2 to 3% this week. I am so jealous.” – P!nk
“You do a lot of growing up when you’re pregnant. It’s suddenly like, ‘Yikes. Here it is, folks. Playtime is over.’” – Connie Fioretto
“Yes, I have gently placed my hand on my tummy and faked discomfort to get a seat on the subway.” – Unknown
“Pregnancy is getting company inside one’s skin.” – Maggie Scarf
“Peeing on a stick and preserving that stick is the start of the many disgusting things you will do as a mother.” – Unknown
“Part of being a parent is rolling with the punches, so consider an unexpected pregnancy the universe’s way of helping you to learn to do that.” – Heather Wittenberg
“You know you’re pregnant when you’re in the kitchen cooking, drop something, and stand there thinking, ‘Do I really need that?’” – Unknown
“Congratulations for getting pregnant. Enjoy the luxury of getting your husband’s attention every time you make even a small sound – whether it is a painful moan or a smelly fart.” – Unknown
“Never go to your high school reunion pregnant, or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.” – Erma Bombeck
“I’m proof that birth control is 99% effective.” – Unknown
“I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha!” – Jessica Simpson
“If heartburn during pregnancy means you’ll have a hairy baby, I’m about to give birth to Chewbacca.” – Unknown
“Months have an average of 30 days, except the 9th month of pregnancy, which has about 1,000 days.” – Unknown
“Doing sketch comedy on live television while pregnant is like wearing a sombrero. You can pretend to be a serious person, but the giant hat gives you away.” – Amy Poehler
“Growing a baby makes me feel like a superhero. A really tired, weak superhero who wants to eat all the time and is not allowed to lift heavy objects.” – Unknown
“I have two brains in my body, but I’ve never been so dumb!” – Gloria in Modern Family
“Being pregnant during winter is like getting your hair done and then wearing a hat.” – Unknown
“Waiting for this baby is like picking up someone from the airport, but you don’t know who they are or what time their flight comes in.” – Unknown
“Stop saying, ‘We’re pregnant’. You’re not pregnant! Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? No. Are you crying alone in your car, listening to a stupid Bette Midler song? No. When you wake up and throw up, is it because you’re nurturing a human life? No. It’s because you had too many shots of tequila.” – Mila Kunis
“Being pregnant has made me realize it takes talent not to pee yourself when you sneeze.” – Unknown
“I’m at the stage in my pregnancy where people don’t know whether to congratulate me or buy me a gym membership.” – Unknown
“Does this baby make me look fat?” – Amy Schumer
“I had twins, so it was really uncomfortable [to sleep] because you lay on one side, and there’s a baby, and you lay on the other side, and there’s a baby. So I had a really hard time with it.” – Jennifer Lopez
“Pregnancy is 9 months of cheat days.” – Unknown
“Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.” – Rita Rudner
“When pregnancy feels long and endless, I like to think on the bright side: no periods!” – Unknown
“One thing that happens when you’re pregnant is that as your stomach starts to stretch [and] it itches! So I have to keep my belly really lubricated. Every morning, there’s a buttering ceremony after I get out of the shower.” – Padma Lakshmi
“Wishing I could sleep, but someone is using my stomach for their own personal bounce house!” – Unknown
“In the pregnancy process, I have come to realize how much of the burden is on the female partner. She’s got a construction zone going on in her belly.” – Al Roker
“That awkward phase in pregnancy when people can’t tell if you’re pregnant or just fat.” – Unknown
“Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby, and I can go out.” – Matthew Broderick
“The ‘What fruit does your baby look like this week?’ is both cute and creepy.” – Unknown
“Pregnancy is a disease from which you recover in 18 years and 9 months.” – Unknown
“Peezing – peeing and sneezing at the same time.” – The Joys of Pregnancy
“When people congratulate me, I like to say, ‘For what?’ and watch them panic.” – Unknown
“I used to have a terrific flat stomach, but now it’s kind of blown out after two giant babies used it as a short-term apartment.” – Amy Poehler
“‘Pregnancy brain’ is my excuse for everything I don’t want to do.” – Unknown
“You can do your job massively pregnant if you choose to go down that road. It’s fine. It’ll be hilarious. It’ll add to your comedy in ways that you never expected. Like when your elbows grow hair for no reason.” – Samantha Bee
“Feeling fat lasts nine months, but the joy of becoming a mom lasts forever.” – Nikki Dalton
“Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant.” – Unknown
“I feel like I get a little panicky about food availability. If I’m going somewhere, I’m like, ‘Will they have something I’ll want to eat at that point?’ So, before I go anywhere, I’ll have a plate of pancakes or a veggie burger or whatever—just to be prepared.” – Natalie Portman
“You don’t realize how many people your friends hate until you have to name your baby.” – Unknown
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.” – Joyce Armor
“At this point, I’m the one who needs a diaper.” – Unknown
“I can smell electricity. I swear to God I can smell the TV.” – Amanda Seyfried
“Everybody leave me alone. I’ve had a busy day being pregnant, and I have to do it again tomorrow.” – Unknown
“That first pregnancy is a long sea journey to a country where you don’t know the language, where land is in sight for such a long time that after a while it’s just the horizon – and then one day birds wheel over that dark shape, and it’s suddenly close, and all you can do is hope like hell that you’ve had the right shots.” – Emily Perkins
“I am pregnant, which means I am sober, swollen, and hungry. Approach with caution.” – Unknown

Funny Pregnancy Quotes for Dads

“Telling the world that I am becoming a dad is like telling the world we had unprotected sex.” – Unknown
“Pregnancy is fun. Sometimes we watch him kick, sometimes we argue about the difference between white and yellow cheddar.” – Christopher Grebe
“A tip for expecting dads: never, ever eat the last anything.” – Unknown
“Giving birth is an ecstatic roller coaster ride not available to males.” – Unknown
“Should I be concerned about sympathy weight if my belly button just popped out?” – Unknown
“My wife was crying because she couldn’t find her socks…they were on her feet.” – Daniel Phelps

Feel free to share these quotes to bring a smile to anyone experiencing the roller coaster ride of pregnancy!